Go Fly a Kite

Have you ever awoken from a dream and felt like it was some type of sign that needed decoding?  While I'm not a Dream Interpreter or a Psychologist I am a specialist on ME so if I’m stirred from a dream worthy of remembering I usually try to figure out my message.  

My dreams can range from comical to scary. Sometimes I am involved in them and other times it as if I am watching from the sidelines.  I've even watched it play out as a TV sitcom with credits rolling at the end.  My dreams are usually filled with people I know although they often take on different physical characteristics.  I usually dream in the past or the present but rarely in the future.  (And so I judge my dreams as not ideal.)  Many times loved ones I have lost will visit me in my dreams and give me advice or encouragement. 

I have had two reoccurring dreams in my lifetime.  When I was a child I would often have the reoccurring dream that my parents weren't home and there was a knock on the door.  I knew not to answer it but when I looked out the window it was Superman… So I answered it...and he robbed us.  I blame my dislike of Superheroes and many of my trust issues on this dream.  (sad face)

My second reoccurring dream, which I still have, takes place back in college with me waking up to realize I am late for a final, but furthermore in horror I understand this final is for a class that I have forgotten to attend ALL semester. While this dream could be interpreted as a regret that I was not a more disciplined student, I find myself having this dream when my life is very busy and stressful, so I attribute it more as a signal to my body and mind to take a deep breath and slow down.

Currently, I am reading the book A Purpose Driven Life: What On Earth Am I Here For?, by Rick Warren.  I've started and stopped reading this book numerous times but decided I would be open-minded and push through with the daily readings.  It seems the older I get the more I seek out knowledge on this “BIG” question "What am I here for?" picking up countless books and thumbing through them in search for the answer, while my subconscious knows the answer does not lie within the pages of any book but instead within myself. 

But back to the purpose of this blog, because that subject will come in small steps not the AHA occurrence that I long to awaken me.  The dream. 

In my dream I was napping outdoors under a warm blue sky and there were two kites tethered to my childhood home.  One was a small kite and the other was a much larger elaborate kite.  As I lay there, with my husband beside me in deep slumber, I kept an eye on the kites watching them move.  A large gust of wind came up and I realized the kites had worked free from where they were secured.   A part of me wanted to jump up and grab them while the strings were still in reach but I did not want to disturb my sleeping husband, so I watched as the wind grew stronger and their dance became bolder as they soared high into the air.  Soon the kite's strings found outreaching limbs and became tangled within the branches.    The larger kite was caught up in a tree that was close to where I lay and it was low enough I could reach up and grab the limb and save it.  The smaller one was high in a tree that outstretched over a busy highway and there would be no way of saving it. 

At first I was very sad I had lost the small kite but then I felt the need to find a way to cut the string so it would not end up just dangling in the tree, wind torn, trash of a day gone by.   I wanted to let it soar, to see how high it could reach.  Sure, I knew it would come down eventually but the possibility of how far it would go was exciting and I also had the larger kite to retrieve for another day of playfulness, so what was the harm in letting it go?

The dream brought me back to a safe place.  During my childhood I loved playing in our yard among the trees and I'm sure at some time in my youth a kite or two had been lost to one of the stately elms. Ironically enough, on my commute to work today I heard a public announcement for trees.  John Goodman urging us to plant trees as it makes kids healthier and happier.  On a side note: has society really come to needing this message spelled out on the radio?  But back to my dream and my trees.

The smaller of the trees, which caught the smaller kite, in my youth was a boundary to the busy road and the steep ditch in our yard and the other was a massive tree that dwarfed our house and I often heard my parents discussing the fear of the damage it could do and the hefty price tag that would come along when it came time to cut it down. 

Maybe these trees were coming into my thoughts because of a recent conversation I had with my Mom.  It was when she had come home from rehabilitation and before she decided she needed to spend some time recuperating at my sisters.  She was looking out the window, no doubtingly thinking of the past and still trying to fit the puzzle together of what thoughts had become scrambled into past and present.  In her first days after the stroke she spent many cherished hours telling me stories of both my childhood and hers.  As she recalled the "big tree" she told me the story of it coming down in the yard. 

After I had moved away many of the trees in our yard developed a sickness and one by one they were taken down.  My Dad had struck a deal with a couple of novas tree trimmers to remove the tree for the tremendous amount of firewood it would produce.  My Mom recalled they were eating dinner as the men were working on getting the trunk down and my Dad began getting nervous for the safety of the men and the house.  So he decided to go out and supervise.  My Father at this time was in the far stages of his cancer and even though his appearance was not that of a brawny man I'm sure the message to the workers was sturdy in nature.  Strong enough that they decided to take his advice and change the path the tree would fall.  All in all the tree came down without harm to bodies or structure and all that is left is the memory of its once grand stature.

Memories… could that be a piece of the puzzle to my "BIG" question?  But atlas, I was awoken by my feline alarm demanding breakfast and left to ponder the meaning of this strange, vivid, literal (?) dream.  So as I went upon my morning routine I began dissecting.  First, the reality...the window was open so I'm sure there was a breeze blowing through the bedroom as I began to awake to a new day beside my still sleeping husband.  Second, the nostalgia, the dream no doubtingly took place at my childhood home.  The house my Mother still owns, and the house we wonder day by day if she will ever make it back to independently reside, however the trees in the yard were the ones of my childhood they have not stood in the yard for many years. 

Finally, the analysis, were these kites a sign?  And if so what was it trying to tell me?  A number of things came to mind:  to let small things go; that I didn't have to hold onto everything; that it is ok to soar but sometimes the "little" things get you further then the "big" ones; not to let anything hold you back from your dreams.  Or was it not about the kites at all and more about the trees?  (Sigh) Maybe I’m not as great at this interpretation as I thought! 

But the dream gave me much to contemplate today and a reason to write.  Although it didn’t give me a clear answer to all my life’s questions it did give me optimism to pull out my goal list and shake off the dust.  To check off those goals that have gone unrecognized to mark off those that just aren’t that important anymore and to always keep adding to the list.  Today I will be adding: lying on the ground and looking up at the sky in child like wonder; flying a kite (and letting it go); and planting a tree for the betterment of a child’s imagination.   What will you do today to keep your dreams alive?

 

#TBT ABUNDANCE of LOVE

In the spirit of #TBT I’m posting this picture of three very special ladies.  It was taken on our “sister trip” to South Carolina and it is one of my favorite photographs.  I have a copy both in my home and in my office to remind me how lucky I am to have these three women in my life. 

But this picture is especially meaningful this month.  July from start to finish has left me feeling like a yo-yo, up one minute down the next.  I’m exhausted and just wish the world would slow down for a moment so I could jump out and then jump back in.  Yet through all the trials and tribulations of this month as I look back the word that sticks with me is Gratitude. 

I’m grateful to Mom for being both physically and emotionally strong despite of her health problems.  I’m thankful for my Brother, Sister, Aunts, Uncles, extended family and friends who gave a helping hand, have been there by my side or simply whispered a prayer for my Mom and family.  I’m grateful for the medical team that worked diligently during critical hours and for the caregivers who despite what is going on in their own lives greet each day with a smile.  I’m blessed with an understanding husband, family, employer and co-workers who have covered for me during my absence, talked with me about apprehensions and shared some laughs when I needed them most.   And although it isn’t  a situation I would want to add to my calendar again I’m appreciative of the time I have gotten to spend talking to family and friends or simply the time I have had to just sit in silence with my own thoughts of reflection. 

Critical Care, rehabilitation and skilled nursing  has been an exploration of education for me this month and I am both touched and troubled with things I have learned and witnessed.  We are very lucky that my Mom's stroke was small and did not leave her with any extreme paralysis.   My heart goes out to those families and patients who find their life balance to include stays and visits to extended care units that go on for years and years.   I have witnessed a type of taboo and shame among many patients concerning their own illness as they seek some other explanation and understanding to the question "why me" while I am simultaneously impressed by the bond of humanity that the patients have when it comes to encouraging and protecting one another.   Most of all I am thankful that Mom has had a friendly and inviting environment for rest and recovery. 

So as I look onward to August I will with optimism and appreciation, knowing that in the big picture I am blessed with opportunity and surrounded by love.  And that we all have days where life just grabs a hold and shakes us reminding us to enjoy the little things, live for today and give with all our soul, because even the weakest of hearts can surround us with an abundance of love. 

When life stops you in your tracks

As I was driving into work this morning I literally hit a roadblock that took me on another path. They are reconstructing an old railway bridge on my normal commute, which means I will have to detour until the construction is complete.  But it made me think about the events of this week and how we get set in our daily routines until something comes along that sets us on another course or opens our eyes to the direction we’ve been traveling and makes us ask if maybe we are concentrating too much on the pathway and not enough on the journey itself. 

It’s so easy to  deliberate on your own two feet that sometimes you miss the emotion in the eyes of everyone else on the trail.  I am so grateful for all the support our family has received in the way of visitors, uplifting notes, prayers and the help of skilled professionals.  And I am also so very blessed to have such a large and supportive family close by to lend a helping hand.    My eyes are open and my heart is full and although there may be a mountain in front of her I will continue to encourage and remind her of her strength and that the only way to conquer any peak is to just take one step at a time. 

it's just how i'm wired....circuit 611

I'm struggling with something this morning.  I know that my expectations are higher than most so I can sometimes be critical (both of myself and others).  It is something I work on DAILY,  but I feel like someone else’s work ethics are compromising the reputation of mine and I am not sure if it is something I can continue to allow to go on.  It really pushes my buttons so I have to step back from it so I won't end up on an episode of SNAPPED.  I tried to digest it and come up with a plan last evening but as soon as I step back into the mix my emotions are ELEVATED so I haven't confronted the problem yet because I know it is something I need to self-regulate and be in control when I approach. 

 

I'm the type of person that when I accept a challenge I vow to do the best of my ability and strive for perfection.  Am I always perfect, NO.  Do I fail sometimes, YES!  But what I do know is that in my failure is a chance to stand back and access the situation and try to learn from the mistake.  I dissect it to pieces, analyzing it until I know what I should of done and what I will do in the future not to make the same mistake.  I'm not naïve, I know not everyone has this quality.  And part of me wants to think its okay if not everyone has this quality because they have some GREAT qualities that I don't possess or strive to achieve.   But there is another part of me that SHOUTS "Why do you even want to begin a project if A-you're not going to strive to do your best and B-if you aren't going to try to learn from your mistakes." 

 

Please understand this is not the first or second time these results have occurred due to this persons actions.  And to be honest I'm not sure if it is from a lack of caring or from a true lack of time & project management skills.  What I do know is to me it is INSANITY!  Albert Einstein's definition of Insanity is: "doing the same think over and over again and expecting different results."  So I know some of you might me thinking why do you care about the other persons actions? How is this affecting you?  And maybe I should take more of the I don't care approach but it's just not me...It's not how I'm wired.

 

I believe that when you work in an environment you are a team and your team is only as good as the weakest player.  We've all played team sports before and we all know some people are gifted with natural skills more than others.  We've all seen players work really hard to be mediocre but we also have encountered those players who don't even want to try.  So we ask why are they on the team?  What satisfaction does it give them?  You may even question the coach, why are you allowing this person on the team?  Why are you allowing them to project their performance onto mine?  Why are you allowing them to waste my time? 

 

But in blogging (and venting) this situation it all comes down to one sentence at the top of my page. "I am not sure if it is something I can continue to allow to go on."  I have to realize I am not a VICTIM in this situation.  I am a player.  A player that wants to be an ALL STAR or at the very least mediocre through the hard work and effort of trying to do my best.  So I have to look at those that excel, those that have failed and found another route.  What did they do?  

 

Like the brightest athletes they allow themselves to be drafted, they trade teams, they become free agents.  But where do I begin?  Did Cal Ripken or Ted Williams ever have second thoughts about staying on the same team throughout their careers? 

 

So many questions to ponder.  Directions I long to have magically appear clearly and quickly but I know this will take some time and thought.  Life's journey isn't on mapquest and all the turns aren't pre determined (and wouldn't it be so boring if it was), so instead I will end with some words from Cal Ripken, "They said we'll never get this game going if you don't run around the field,....I said I didn't have the energy to make it.  They said, 'Then walk.""  I know every small step I take will lead me in the right direction.  Now I'm off to seize the day!

 

 

 

If your car is pointing upward you are overloaded

So riddle me this...What is something that in addition to being itself, can also be the cause of itself, and the result of itself?  Did you guess the answer?  Or do silly riddles just add to your STRESS? (hint, hint)

Stress, we all know it's bad for both our physical and psychological health not to mention our relationships but what causes this response and why do particular situations escalate our feelings?  Last week I was challenged to try and identify my stress triggers and more importantly to begin looking and reacting to them in a healthier way.  (See my blog post on Emotional Intelligence and the Yellow Brick Road).  So how did I fare? 

I went into last week with eyes wide open, knowing that the change was not going to happen overnight.  I tried to pay specific attention to my emotions: did I start my day with a good pep talk; what was my self confidence level; what else did I have on my mind during a given situation, as well as my physical state:  did I feel well; had I had enough sleep; enough exercise; had I eaten healthy or grabbed junk food or skipped lunch all together and was just hangry?   I had already had the realization that my stress levels were coming from two areas the first of which I had no power or control to change and the latter being of situations that I build up emotionally in my mind of being more critical than they are in actuality. 

When it comes down to it under rational circumstances I know that any given situation is really just an opportunity.  Last week was like most and there were a few opportunities that arose.  I would love to say that it was all smooth sailing but I did have a few moments I found myself drifting into the “red zone”, but more importantly I knew I was there and I did my best to stop myself and back up.  I pictured those red and green bottles in my mind and concentrated on the green one.  I tried to be present in my reactions and if I did find myself responding to a situation through stress quickly asked for forgiveness from others and myself.

I know I’m a more likable person when I’m not under stress.  I have more confidence in both myself and others, and as hard as it is to look at I took a moment to map out an emotional gauge of  how others may perceive me when I’m under stress.  I want to be identified with more positive words like “diplomatic” and “knowledgeable” and leave behind the uglier words like “hard-to-please” and “defensive”. 

Mechanically we all know when we keep the needle pointing to the left of our gauges we get more longevity and endurance out of our equipment. If we overload its capacity or neglect the warning signals it can leave us stranded at any time.    Are we really much different than those machines?  Isn’t our ultimate goal to live a happy life at our fullest potential?  I know it takes energy, maintenance and a little TLC to keep me on the road to my best self, so I will continue to keep constantly monitoring my gauges, polishing the rough edges and driving myself to be CLASSIC.

Emotional Intelligence and the Yellow Brick Road

Last Friday I attended a great Leadership class which the focus was based on analyzing and improving our emotional intelligence.  Emotional Intelligence is made up of both our intrapersonal skills (self awareness, self regulation and motivation) and interpersonal skills (empathy and social skills).   The class was very eye opening.  Of course we all think we know ourselves but to really dive down and see the good, the bad and the ugly on paper and then try to map out a plan to help you create a better you that if very liberating.   For the next 7 weeks I will be working on different areas and thought I would use my blog to help me defuse some of my attitudes and beliefs.  Feel free to chime in on your thoughts and processes to help me.

Week #1 homework:  Your whole focus is going to be on relaxation in the areas of the things you identified as stress triggers on your stress list.

 So what are my stress triggers.  During our workshop I made the following list:  indecisiveness; drama; chaos; clutter; disrespect; meritocracy; money; time takers; rule breakers and non goal oriented people.

It was a quick list and I'm sure I could think of a few dozen more things that push my buttons.  The truth is I think I have always had a fairly high stress level.  Even as a small child I wasn't care free.  I worried about grown up things such as people's health, jobs and money, why everyone couldn't get along.  I worried too much about making other people happy and how to help or "fix" those things I or someone else didn't perceive as perfect.  So it's really no surprise that when I look back at this list and break it down I can see many of the same themes that began in childhood. 

 

But to identify our stress indicators is just the beginning the harder part is to gain control over them.  I know I will never live a stress free life.  I'm sure that the most disciplined of all the human race still deal with stress their difference is they have studied it, figured out ways to identify it and actions to overcome it.  Our example was a very simplistic visual,  a bottle of red water and a bottle of green water.  Our self awareness is knowing when our emotions are in which bottle and knowing we are much more empowered when we are in the "green" and the real secret is the power is inside us to change.  A quick flashback to every Thanksgiving evening and the annual watching of the Wizard of Oz as Glinda the Good Witch told us, "You've always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself."   But as the inquisitive child (which has transformed to a intuitive adult), what I really wanted to do at that moment was jump up and scream "WAIT GLINDA... WHAT IS THE POWER? AND WHAT DO I DO WITH IT?"   

 

The real truth is when we  break down the events that cause our stress we have to face the reality that we only have control over ourselves.  We have NO control over the event or other peoples feelings or actions.  Those words are hard for me to even type so I will type them again:  "I have no CONTROL over the event or other peoples feelings or actions." That's easier said then done for a control freak and a fixer. If I review my long list of stress indicators above applying this knowledge what I truly identify is that I stress out when things don't go my way or the way I perceive as the correct way  and I let my own insecurities of the way others may negatively view me get in the way.  So, in hindsight other then working on my own insecurities it is all about things I will never have control over.  But how do I change?  Once I feel the shift from green to red what do I need to do? 

 

It starts with being aware or "being in the moment." Some people live their lives from the past while others are always waiting for tomorrow but ideally we need to realize that what is important is what is happening right now, right in front of us.  We can't change actions or situations that happened in the past nor can we use it as a crutch for blame.  At the same time we can't just sit and wait for the moment to pass hoping that the future holds something better.  Living in the "now" is common sense,  I mean I'm a smart girl... I know this, but then it gets clouded with things like: "learn from your past mistakes"; "set goals for the future"; "those were the good 'ole days."   All that head talk overwhelms my system and while my brain is trying to cognitively figure out a systematic approach there's my emotions heading over to the red zone. 

 

The good news, I think through age and self awareness I do have more control then I use too and I know the exercises I can do RIGHT NOW for self improvement.  First, BREATHE.  When we start to get upset our body actually works against us and changes preparing for the red zone, but by stopping taking a few deep breaths and concentrating on our breathing we become much more aware of our bodies at that moment, allowing our brains to catch up.  Second, on the list is exercise. You don't have to run a marathon or be at the gym 40 hours a week.  Sometime simply getting up and taking a walk helps you clear your mind and gets the mind and body working together.  I also know when I do exercise on a regular schedule it gives me time to think things through, I'm generally in a better mood, feel better and am happier and more alert.  The third tool is gratitude.  I try to keep a gratitude journal.  It's just a small book that I write down things that I'm grateful for that day and a few paragraphs about why I'm grateful.  I'm not disciplined enough to do it everyday and it's not a poetic masterpiece but I do find that when I am feeling at my personal worst if I take it out and write a few items down my mood changes.  Whenever I'm feeling blue or discouraged and want to blame someone in my own self pity I always remember  a quote my brother once said.  I don't know if it is his own wisdom or that from someone else but he said "Just remember your worst day may be someones best day."  That quote has stuck with me for years because it is so true. 

 

No one is excluded we ALL have worries, stress and struggles.  Our demons, monsters, dragons what ever we want to name our beast that little (but sometimes loud) voice in our mind telling us we can't succeed, we didn't give it our all; someone or something is out to get us; that their laughing and judging us.  That voice it's just our own head talk and we need replace the Wicked Witch with the words of Glinda because we do have the POWER and the HEART, and the BRAINS and the COURAGE to stay in the green zone.   So this week I give myself permission to reminisce about the past, to plan for my future but to be present in today and to silence the witch when she tries to discourage me or makes me judgmental of myself or others.  I will BREATH, RELAX be GRATEFUL and if I listen I will hear that voice saying, "Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A letter to my Grandson

January 6, 2014

Dear Baby A-

 You came into our world today.  It was one of the coldest days in history and I’m pretty sure you weren’t quite ready yet but you’re here and we all could not be more excited!  I was so incredibly moved by how much love your Mommy and Daddy showed for one another before you arrived and I know how very lucky you are that they are going to share all that love with you now too.

 

 You had a HUGE cheering section of Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles and cousins waiting for you to arrive.  Always know how truly blessed you are to have so many people who love you.  I’m sure there will be times when it feels like we are smothering you with kisses and hugs or when you’re older and think we are all being ridiculously nosey or bossy it is always only because we love and care for you so much.

 

It was a long day today and at times we were all a little frightened so we said some prayers and they were all answered.  When Papa and I finally got to see you for the very first time Daddy was there holding your hand, he wouldn’t let it go and I think you better get use to it because he is always going to be there to protect you and Mommy.  I’m so blessed to have gotten to see when Mommy held you in her arms for the very first time she smiled so big that I knew you had just stolen her heart. 

 

It’s a big world out there you will learn much along life's journey but I thought I would just give you a few pointers that I have learned along the way and hope that if you ever have a day that you need reassuring or direction maybe you can rely on some of the wisdom I’ve gathered…

 

1)   Your FAMILY will always be your biggest FANS.  When you are little you will love and need us but there will come a day when you feel independent and you may want to distant yourself a bit, this is normal but know that we will still be here when you need us.  And you will.  And we will still be here to cheer you on just like the day you came into this world. 

2)   Always BE OPTIMISTIC.  Laugh and play and never take yourself too seriously but there will be times when you are sad.  It’s OK to cry when you are sad (even if you are a boy) but once you have cried promise to look past the thing that is making you sad and think of all the blessings in your life.

3)   RESPECT & HELP others. Don’t be mean or a bully and always stand up for those people and creatures that can’t do it for themselves.  If you look hard enough you can find the good in everyone and thing. 

4)   DO YOUR BEST.  You may not always come in first place and that’s OK as long as you in your heart know that you have done the very best that you can do.  Never settle for less then your best.

5)   Choose your WORDS carefully.  You will grow up a hunter so you will know about weapons such as guns and bows and arrows but also know one of the most dangerous weapons can be language.  Once you’ve said something you can’t take it back so think before you speak in haste or anger and always ask for forgiveness if you say words you don’t mean.

6)   FAIRNESS.  There are always two sides to every story don’t judge someone without knowing both sides.  And remember when someone gossips to you about someone else they would do the same about you so choose your friends well as their reflection becomes your character.

7)   Be HONEST.  Nothing good ever comes of a lie.  One lie will build to many and soon you will feel buried under a mountain so always tell the truth, but know there is a difference between the truth and good manners and don’t get them confused.

8)   DREAM.  Have an imagination and think about what you could do if you were unstoppable and then find a way to do it.  Find your creativity and passion and share it with others this will make your heart full and your life complete. 

9)   GIVE.  You will be blessed and although you may not always have the most I believe in my heart you will always have enough.  Remember there are others out there with less and be willing to share.

10)  LOVE.  Don’t ever be afraid to show love,  Sometimes you may mistake it and your heart may feel broken but know that it is strong.  When and if your heart breaks know that all of ours will be breaking too but it is better to LOVE and lost then to never LOVE at all, for it is the very best gift of all.  It makes the world a better place.

Anderson, I would like to say my greatest wish for you would be a PERFECT world but part of me thinks how BORING that would be.  Life is about choosing paths and then being able to retrace and take another, it is about the journey not the finish.  So I will be honest and say it won’t always be perfect but I do wish for you that the happy days out weigh the sad and for you to always know how very, very, very much you are LOVED!

 

I love you forever and then some…

Mimi Shel