it's just how i'm wired....circuit 611

I'm struggling with something this morning.  I know that my expectations are higher than most so I can sometimes be critical (both of myself and others).  It is something I work on DAILY,  but I feel like someone else’s work ethics are compromising the reputation of mine and I am not sure if it is something I can continue to allow to go on.  It really pushes my buttons so I have to step back from it so I won't end up on an episode of SNAPPED.  I tried to digest it and come up with a plan last evening but as soon as I step back into the mix my emotions are ELEVATED so I haven't confronted the problem yet because I know it is something I need to self-regulate and be in control when I approach. 

 

I'm the type of person that when I accept a challenge I vow to do the best of my ability and strive for perfection.  Am I always perfect, NO.  Do I fail sometimes, YES!  But what I do know is that in my failure is a chance to stand back and access the situation and try to learn from the mistake.  I dissect it to pieces, analyzing it until I know what I should of done and what I will do in the future not to make the same mistake.  I'm not naïve, I know not everyone has this quality.  And part of me wants to think its okay if not everyone has this quality because they have some GREAT qualities that I don't possess or strive to achieve.   But there is another part of me that SHOUTS "Why do you even want to begin a project if A-you're not going to strive to do your best and B-if you aren't going to try to learn from your mistakes." 

 

Please understand this is not the first or second time these results have occurred due to this persons actions.  And to be honest I'm not sure if it is from a lack of caring or from a true lack of time & project management skills.  What I do know is to me it is INSANITY!  Albert Einstein's definition of Insanity is: "doing the same think over and over again and expecting different results."  So I know some of you might me thinking why do you care about the other persons actions? How is this affecting you?  And maybe I should take more of the I don't care approach but it's just not me...It's not how I'm wired.

 

I believe that when you work in an environment you are a team and your team is only as good as the weakest player.  We've all played team sports before and we all know some people are gifted with natural skills more than others.  We've all seen players work really hard to be mediocre but we also have encountered those players who don't even want to try.  So we ask why are they on the team?  What satisfaction does it give them?  You may even question the coach, why are you allowing this person on the team?  Why are you allowing them to project their performance onto mine?  Why are you allowing them to waste my time? 

 

But in blogging (and venting) this situation it all comes down to one sentence at the top of my page. "I am not sure if it is something I can continue to allow to go on."  I have to realize I am not a VICTIM in this situation.  I am a player.  A player that wants to be an ALL STAR or at the very least mediocre through the hard work and effort of trying to do my best.  So I have to look at those that excel, those that have failed and found another route.  What did they do?  

 

Like the brightest athletes they allow themselves to be drafted, they trade teams, they become free agents.  But where do I begin?  Did Cal Ripken or Ted Williams ever have second thoughts about staying on the same team throughout their careers? 

 

So many questions to ponder.  Directions I long to have magically appear clearly and quickly but I know this will take some time and thought.  Life's journey isn't on mapquest and all the turns aren't pre determined (and wouldn't it be so boring if it was), so instead I will end with some words from Cal Ripken, "They said we'll never get this game going if you don't run around the field,....I said I didn't have the energy to make it.  They said, 'Then walk.""  I know every small step I take will lead me in the right direction.  Now I'm off to seize the day!

 

 

 

If your car is pointing upward you are overloaded

So riddle me this...What is something that in addition to being itself, can also be the cause of itself, and the result of itself?  Did you guess the answer?  Or do silly riddles just add to your STRESS? (hint, hint)

Stress, we all know it's bad for both our physical and psychological health not to mention our relationships but what causes this response and why do particular situations escalate our feelings?  Last week I was challenged to try and identify my stress triggers and more importantly to begin looking and reacting to them in a healthier way.  (See my blog post on Emotional Intelligence and the Yellow Brick Road).  So how did I fare? 

I went into last week with eyes wide open, knowing that the change was not going to happen overnight.  I tried to pay specific attention to my emotions: did I start my day with a good pep talk; what was my self confidence level; what else did I have on my mind during a given situation, as well as my physical state:  did I feel well; had I had enough sleep; enough exercise; had I eaten healthy or grabbed junk food or skipped lunch all together and was just hangry?   I had already had the realization that my stress levels were coming from two areas the first of which I had no power or control to change and the latter being of situations that I build up emotionally in my mind of being more critical than they are in actuality. 

When it comes down to it under rational circumstances I know that any given situation is really just an opportunity.  Last week was like most and there were a few opportunities that arose.  I would love to say that it was all smooth sailing but I did have a few moments I found myself drifting into the “red zone”, but more importantly I knew I was there and I did my best to stop myself and back up.  I pictured those red and green bottles in my mind and concentrated on the green one.  I tried to be present in my reactions and if I did find myself responding to a situation through stress quickly asked for forgiveness from others and myself.

I know I’m a more likable person when I’m not under stress.  I have more confidence in both myself and others, and as hard as it is to look at I took a moment to map out an emotional gauge of  how others may perceive me when I’m under stress.  I want to be identified with more positive words like “diplomatic” and “knowledgeable” and leave behind the uglier words like “hard-to-please” and “defensive”. 

Mechanically we all know when we keep the needle pointing to the left of our gauges we get more longevity and endurance out of our equipment. If we overload its capacity or neglect the warning signals it can leave us stranded at any time.    Are we really much different than those machines?  Isn’t our ultimate goal to live a happy life at our fullest potential?  I know it takes energy, maintenance and a little TLC to keep me on the road to my best self, so I will continue to keep constantly monitoring my gauges, polishing the rough edges and driving myself to be CLASSIC.

Emotional Intelligence and the Yellow Brick Road

Last Friday I attended a great Leadership class which the focus was based on analyzing and improving our emotional intelligence.  Emotional Intelligence is made up of both our intrapersonal skills (self awareness, self regulation and motivation) and interpersonal skills (empathy and social skills).   The class was very eye opening.  Of course we all think we know ourselves but to really dive down and see the good, the bad and the ugly on paper and then try to map out a plan to help you create a better you that if very liberating.   For the next 7 weeks I will be working on different areas and thought I would use my blog to help me defuse some of my attitudes and beliefs.  Feel free to chime in on your thoughts and processes to help me.

Week #1 homework:  Your whole focus is going to be on relaxation in the areas of the things you identified as stress triggers on your stress list.

 So what are my stress triggers.  During our workshop I made the following list:  indecisiveness; drama; chaos; clutter; disrespect; meritocracy; money; time takers; rule breakers and non goal oriented people.

It was a quick list and I'm sure I could think of a few dozen more things that push my buttons.  The truth is I think I have always had a fairly high stress level.  Even as a small child I wasn't care free.  I worried about grown up things such as people's health, jobs and money, why everyone couldn't get along.  I worried too much about making other people happy and how to help or "fix" those things I or someone else didn't perceive as perfect.  So it's really no surprise that when I look back at this list and break it down I can see many of the same themes that began in childhood. 

 

But to identify our stress indicators is just the beginning the harder part is to gain control over them.  I know I will never live a stress free life.  I'm sure that the most disciplined of all the human race still deal with stress their difference is they have studied it, figured out ways to identify it and actions to overcome it.  Our example was a very simplistic visual,  a bottle of red water and a bottle of green water.  Our self awareness is knowing when our emotions are in which bottle and knowing we are much more empowered when we are in the "green" and the real secret is the power is inside us to change.  A quick flashback to every Thanksgiving evening and the annual watching of the Wizard of Oz as Glinda the Good Witch told us, "You've always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself."   But as the inquisitive child (which has transformed to a intuitive adult), what I really wanted to do at that moment was jump up and scream "WAIT GLINDA... WHAT IS THE POWER? AND WHAT DO I DO WITH IT?"   

 

The real truth is when we  break down the events that cause our stress we have to face the reality that we only have control over ourselves.  We have NO control over the event or other peoples feelings or actions.  Those words are hard for me to even type so I will type them again:  "I have no CONTROL over the event or other peoples feelings or actions." That's easier said then done for a control freak and a fixer. If I review my long list of stress indicators above applying this knowledge what I truly identify is that I stress out when things don't go my way or the way I perceive as the correct way  and I let my own insecurities of the way others may negatively view me get in the way.  So, in hindsight other then working on my own insecurities it is all about things I will never have control over.  But how do I change?  Once I feel the shift from green to red what do I need to do? 

 

It starts with being aware or "being in the moment." Some people live their lives from the past while others are always waiting for tomorrow but ideally we need to realize that what is important is what is happening right now, right in front of us.  We can't change actions or situations that happened in the past nor can we use it as a crutch for blame.  At the same time we can't just sit and wait for the moment to pass hoping that the future holds something better.  Living in the "now" is common sense,  I mean I'm a smart girl... I know this, but then it gets clouded with things like: "learn from your past mistakes"; "set goals for the future"; "those were the good 'ole days."   All that head talk overwhelms my system and while my brain is trying to cognitively figure out a systematic approach there's my emotions heading over to the red zone. 

 

The good news, I think through age and self awareness I do have more control then I use too and I know the exercises I can do RIGHT NOW for self improvement.  First, BREATHE.  When we start to get upset our body actually works against us and changes preparing for the red zone, but by stopping taking a few deep breaths and concentrating on our breathing we become much more aware of our bodies at that moment, allowing our brains to catch up.  Second, on the list is exercise. You don't have to run a marathon or be at the gym 40 hours a week.  Sometime simply getting up and taking a walk helps you clear your mind and gets the mind and body working together.  I also know when I do exercise on a regular schedule it gives me time to think things through, I'm generally in a better mood, feel better and am happier and more alert.  The third tool is gratitude.  I try to keep a gratitude journal.  It's just a small book that I write down things that I'm grateful for that day and a few paragraphs about why I'm grateful.  I'm not disciplined enough to do it everyday and it's not a poetic masterpiece but I do find that when I am feeling at my personal worst if I take it out and write a few items down my mood changes.  Whenever I'm feeling blue or discouraged and want to blame someone in my own self pity I always remember  a quote my brother once said.  I don't know if it is his own wisdom or that from someone else but he said "Just remember your worst day may be someones best day."  That quote has stuck with me for years because it is so true. 

 

No one is excluded we ALL have worries, stress and struggles.  Our demons, monsters, dragons what ever we want to name our beast that little (but sometimes loud) voice in our mind telling us we can't succeed, we didn't give it our all; someone or something is out to get us; that their laughing and judging us.  That voice it's just our own head talk and we need replace the Wicked Witch with the words of Glinda because we do have the POWER and the HEART, and the BRAINS and the COURAGE to stay in the green zone.   So this week I give myself permission to reminisce about the past, to plan for my future but to be present in today and to silence the witch when she tries to discourage me or makes me judgmental of myself or others.  I will BREATH, RELAX be GRATEFUL and if I listen I will hear that voice saying, "Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A letter to my Grandson

January 6, 2014

Dear Baby A-

 You came into our world today.  It was one of the coldest days in history and I’m pretty sure you weren’t quite ready yet but you’re here and we all could not be more excited!  I was so incredibly moved by how much love your Mommy and Daddy showed for one another before you arrived and I know how very lucky you are that they are going to share all that love with you now too.

 

 You had a HUGE cheering section of Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles and cousins waiting for you to arrive.  Always know how truly blessed you are to have so many people who love you.  I’m sure there will be times when it feels like we are smothering you with kisses and hugs or when you’re older and think we are all being ridiculously nosey or bossy it is always only because we love and care for you so much.

 

It was a long day today and at times we were all a little frightened so we said some prayers and they were all answered.  When Papa and I finally got to see you for the very first time Daddy was there holding your hand, he wouldn’t let it go and I think you better get use to it because he is always going to be there to protect you and Mommy.  I’m so blessed to have gotten to see when Mommy held you in her arms for the very first time she smiled so big that I knew you had just stolen her heart. 

 

It’s a big world out there you will learn much along life's journey but I thought I would just give you a few pointers that I have learned along the way and hope that if you ever have a day that you need reassuring or direction maybe you can rely on some of the wisdom I’ve gathered…

 

1)   Your FAMILY will always be your biggest FANS.  When you are little you will love and need us but there will come a day when you feel independent and you may want to distant yourself a bit, this is normal but know that we will still be here when you need us.  And you will.  And we will still be here to cheer you on just like the day you came into this world. 

2)   Always BE OPTIMISTIC.  Laugh and play and never take yourself too seriously but there will be times when you are sad.  It’s OK to cry when you are sad (even if you are a boy) but once you have cried promise to look past the thing that is making you sad and think of all the blessings in your life.

3)   RESPECT & HELP others. Don’t be mean or a bully and always stand up for those people and creatures that can’t do it for themselves.  If you look hard enough you can find the good in everyone and thing. 

4)   DO YOUR BEST.  You may not always come in first place and that’s OK as long as you in your heart know that you have done the very best that you can do.  Never settle for less then your best.

5)   Choose your WORDS carefully.  You will grow up a hunter so you will know about weapons such as guns and bows and arrows but also know one of the most dangerous weapons can be language.  Once you’ve said something you can’t take it back so think before you speak in haste or anger and always ask for forgiveness if you say words you don’t mean.

6)   FAIRNESS.  There are always two sides to every story don’t judge someone without knowing both sides.  And remember when someone gossips to you about someone else they would do the same about you so choose your friends well as their reflection becomes your character.

7)   Be HONEST.  Nothing good ever comes of a lie.  One lie will build to many and soon you will feel buried under a mountain so always tell the truth, but know there is a difference between the truth and good manners and don’t get them confused.

8)   DREAM.  Have an imagination and think about what you could do if you were unstoppable and then find a way to do it.  Find your creativity and passion and share it with others this will make your heart full and your life complete. 

9)   GIVE.  You will be blessed and although you may not always have the most I believe in my heart you will always have enough.  Remember there are others out there with less and be willing to share.

10)  LOVE.  Don’t ever be afraid to show love,  Sometimes you may mistake it and your heart may feel broken but know that it is strong.  When and if your heart breaks know that all of ours will be breaking too but it is better to LOVE and lost then to never LOVE at all, for it is the very best gift of all.  It makes the world a better place.

Anderson, I would like to say my greatest wish for you would be a PERFECT world but part of me thinks how BORING that would be.  Life is about choosing paths and then being able to retrace and take another, it is about the journey not the finish.  So I will be honest and say it won’t always be perfect but I do wish for you that the happy days out weigh the sad and for you to always know how very, very, very much you are LOVED!

 

I love you forever and then some…

Mimi Shel

 

The Summer Bucket List

I've always been deadline driven and love a wide variation of types of items on my to do list.  This spring I had a big work goal to accomplish.  I put in a lot of extra hours and worked hard to make happen and it felt wonderful to cross the finish line. Except, now that it has come and gone I feel like my wheels are spinning in no particular direction and smaller deadlines seem to not have the same adrenaline rush as those from spring.    
I'm not sure where this listlessness and de-motivation came creeping in but I just seem tired and that I am running on two speeds either (happy) and turbo charged or (meh) and snail pace.  Signs of burn out and a much needed few days off...probably so.  I find myself on the morning commute being envious of strangers as I round the corner and see the free spirits in the park for their morning strolls, or see the latest twitter feed of someone hanging by the pool.  I'm not naïve though and I know most of these people have just, if not busier, lives then I do the difference is they are making these items priorities. So it's time I give myself a deadline and make a ME list of items I don't want to pass up without taking time to do this summer.

 

The Summer Bucket list (in random order)

• Long walks in the Park
• Read a book, without feeling guilty or falling asleep
• Clean out my closet to purge items that are way past any resemblance of style
• Bury my toes in the sand
• Organize the Craft Closet
• Paint (on canvas not a home improvement project, although I don't mind that either)
• Have a long lunch with my Mom
•  Drink coffee on the deck and watch the birds play
• Laugh with my kids
• Get a Tan
• Spend quality time with my family
• Have the option of sleeping in, (if I want to, probably wont happen but it is so nice to have the choice & amazing how easy it is to get up early when it's your free time at stake)
• Swim in the Lake
• Get a pedicure
• Eat a Snow cone
• Watch the sunset with my fella
• Fix a meal (kudos to my hubby for always having it on the table)
• Visit an old friend
• Go shopping in the city

There it is, a simple list, now I have to go get the (beach) ball rolling I have a deadline to meet!

Every Dog has his day

I clicked on an article today entitled 8 Affectionate Dog Breeds, (http://shine.yahoo.com/pets/8-affectionate-dog-breeds-173400607.html?.tsrc=yahoo?_device=full), and  #8 was a Shelter Dog and I thought to myself how many of us have entered a shelter looking to give a pet a good home and in hindsight know our pets are thinking "I saved a human today."

It was a little over a year ago that I found myself walking into the Central Missouri Humane Society with my husband.  It had been almost two years since our Beagle Buddy had quickly passed away and I had uttered the words, (of a cat person), "I will never have another dog." But I knew in my heart the best gift I could give my husband for Valentine's Day was the companionship of a faithful pooch. 

Now, I must say I don't usually advocate animals as gifts because they are a commitment of time, money and love that you need to think about before jumping in with both feet, but I had did my research and had been searching the CMHS site for months looking for dogs that would be a good fit.  My husband is self employed so he spends a lot of time at home in his office so we knew we wanted a dog breed that was loyal, loving and entertaining but also one that would be quick to learn commands and liked to travel so he could ride along with my husband.  A few months before we thought we had found a good candidate, but we hadn't had the "DOG" talk yet.    My husband had been in and signed all the documents so he could socialize with the pets but before he could pull the trigger the dog had found his fur-ever home.  Something I must commend our local Humane Society for because all though the intake number at a shelter is sad and staggering they do a phenomenal job at finding them new homes.*

So, after months of searching finally there he was on the website I had found the perfect dog a little white Schnauzer and it was Valentine's week to boot.  Casually, as we were out and about running errands,  I asked my husband if he would mind going by the kennel just to look at the animals.    With great anticipation, (OK not too much since he was in the 2nd run), we both found ourselves across from the a cute miniature Schnauzer, code name Scooter.  He greeted us with a big happy jump and a yelp but we soon saw the sign on the kennel saying "NOT FOR ADOPTION".  Our hearts sank as we learned from the staff that Scooter was no longer adoptable because he was being picked up by a rescue organization. 

We were back to square one.  Saturday, is a busy day at the kennel and I know the animals must feel the anticipation and pressure of  the continuous popularity contest. (All my grade school fears of the play ground team choosing came rushing back.) As Sarah Mclachlan's "Answer" melody and sad pet eyes rushed quickly through my head, I decided that most of these animals were clearly instructed by the volunteers to sit up front, don't growl and look CUTE! 

As we made our way through the runs we came across some candidates.  A cute beagle...but we wanted a change.  A bouncy puppy...we're too old! A pair of adorable miniature terrier-mixes... but they were bonded and I was questioning if we needed one new dog there was no way our aging cats at home would tolerate two!  Then we came to an enclosure with the most pitiful pup you have ever seen, hair matted, curled in a ball on his make shift bed and not making eye contact with anyone.  His place card read:  Tokyo, Male, 2 years, Black & Brown Terrier/Schnauzer Mix. 

There was something about his state of depression that tore at our hearts and we asked if we could take him out on the leash.  The shelter worker was so happy she entered his cage gave him a little pep talk and escorted us out to a fenced in area so we could get to know one another.  I let me husband make the first moves, the truth be known I am frightened by strange dogs and I know they can sense it.  My husband picked him up and talked to him walked around with him but the dog simply walked away and went to the gate staring out at the parking lot as if he was waiting to be picked up. (My Heart was Breaking) We returned inside the Shelter and decided we would leave and discuss the adoption over lunch.

I think both our minds were made up to take a chance on this lonesome little guy or we would of never found ourselves eating lunch next to the pet store.  Before we had finished our burgers we had settled on the name of "Fritz" (his formal name of course would be Frederick Eduardo Beaverhausen III) and went next door to purchase a red and black checkered dog sweater...yes we were going to be those type of dog owners.

Back to the shelter we quickly went before they closed.  The volunteer was delighted to see us back in front of his cage trying to coax him to us but he was still not budging,  as I asked if we could go into the kennel one more time before we made our decision she brought in reinforcements who told us of his trip to the shelter and that although he seemed to have a chip on his shoulder that was a characteristic of Schnauzers and he would re socialize with us if we took him home.  I was a little doubtful as a I looked at the only uneaten bowl of food in the Shelter and tried to make eye contact once again with this scraggly mutt.  As I bent over there was a glimpse of hope as he rolled over to show me his belly.  My necklace hung down a little to far and he began biting at it, my husband saw my concern and quickly came to the dogs defense that he was playing not attacking. We signed the papers and were to pick him up on Monday after his "procedure". 

Since day one and through his 1st Fur-ever Anniversary FRITZ has been nothing but a bundle of fun and joy.  He is an affectionate, comical, protective, intelligent addition to our family. Although boisterous and a little bit of a noisy neighbor he is so much love in one non-shedding bundle.   He makes us exercise when we may not feel up to it, go to bed when we may think of staying up later and most of all laugh at ourselves and him when we may be taking life to seriously. The quote comes to mind, "I wish I was half the person my Dog thinks I am."    I know our friends, family (and most of all the cats) think back on a time when we didn't bore them with cute Dog stories and pictures but it's too late he has stolen our hearts.  And don't let the cats tell you anything different...they love him too. 

*A quick foot note that cute dog my husband almost adopted we see some Saturday's with his joyful owner at the dog park.  If you are looking for a new pet I urge you to do your research and check your local Shelter and Rescue Services in your area but most of all be a respectable and responsible pet owner and your love will be returned in so many ways!



Wills Way and Rebecca's Rules

 

I attended my Uncle Bill's Memorial Service and Funeral last Friday.  He was my Mother's Brother, the oldest sibling of six.  My Uncle Bill (or Will or Willy as I remember him being referred to as a child) was a no nonsense type of guy.  Born in the depression he was a hard worker and expected the same from others.  To say he tinkered with engines would be an understatement and he had a love for automobiles, motorcycles, traveling the continental United States and most of all his family.  He was the type of man that when he spoke you listened, not because he was loud and boisterous but because you knew that the wisdom he shared was worth taking note.  I realize that sometimes when a family member is always there in the background you take them for granted and I know I will miss his knowledge, stories and the gleam in his eye when he smiled.

I am very fortunate to come from a large family, one parent with five siblings and another with eight always meant for a large extended family and plenty of Aunts, Uncles and cousins.  And although there is much love on both sides of my family my Mother's side was always spent more time together. I think in part this was in root by what I call Rebecca's Rule. 

Rebecca, (my Maternal Grandmother), served Sunday Dinner and when the dinner bell rang (literally if family members were out in the pastures) you better be around the table.  As a child going to my Grandma and Grandpa's house every week was routine, one that I didn't realize some families didn't participate in, but the 40 mile trip, (that seemed like hours as a child), was always more then just a dinner gathering.  During the Spring, Summer and Fall as dinner was being prepared I would run and play outdoors with a swarms of cousins. After the meal this group would parade behind my Grandma, an Uncle or an Aunt as they worked in the garden, orchard, with the many farm animals or on the machinery.    During the winter we all gathered in my Grandparents small farmhouse with the wood stove blazing.  Hand made sewing patterns, making and pulling taffy, popping popcorn and playing cards or puzzles...there was always activity and more importantly someone to explain the "what" and the "why" to inquiring children's minds and more often than not giving all those hands (from teen to toddler) a shot at the experience.

As an adult I have often stopped to think about those treasured Sundays and all the gifts and lessons that came along with them.  The photos playing at my Uncle's Memorial Service warmed my heart with the past.  My Grandmother and Grandfather passed away many years ago but my Mother's siblings have remained close.  And although they do not meet at the table every week they do make it a point to all gather together at a minimum of once a month for Birthdays and to just celebrate one another.  I have to admit I don't make it to near enough of these events and the loss of a loved one is a simple reminder of the real priorities in my life.  As I was visiting after my Uncles service someone made a very profound statement that helped me put in real perspective this SPECIAL and irreplaceable gift of a large loving extended family.  An extended family member himself, he told me that he was always envious of my Mother's siblings and the tight bond they held with with one another.  He continued to say that he always has and will continue to feel honored that they allow him in to the inner circle of their love.  His perspective was a touching sentiment to the close bond of my family.

I will remember my Uncle as a honest and hard working family man, well respected in the community he was born and raised.  He lived his life through hard work but never forgot to take a moment to be thankful.  At peace with himself and God he found spirituallity in working with his hands and driving through beautiful landscapes.  Will's way, much like my Grandmother Rebecca's, was understated;  quiet, sometimes stern and the expression of love often came in simple gestures instead of kisses, hugs or words, but I know it was there and I will carry it in my own heart with the blessing of knowing he is a part of my lineage. Today I am thankful for family both living and deceased the valuable lesson for now in knowing what coming from a "privileged family" really means.