Emotional Intelligence and the Yellow Brick Road

Last Friday I attended a great Leadership class which the focus was based on analyzing and improving our emotional intelligence.  Emotional Intelligence is made up of both our intrapersonal skills (self awareness, self regulation and motivation) and interpersonal skills (empathy and social skills).   The class was very eye opening.  Of course we all think we know ourselves but to really dive down and see the good, the bad and the ugly on paper and then try to map out a plan to help you create a better you that if very liberating.   For the next 7 weeks I will be working on different areas and thought I would use my blog to help me defuse some of my attitudes and beliefs.  Feel free to chime in on your thoughts and processes to help me.

Week #1 homework:  Your whole focus is going to be on relaxation in the areas of the things you identified as stress triggers on your stress list.

 So what are my stress triggers.  During our workshop I made the following list:  indecisiveness; drama; chaos; clutter; disrespect; meritocracy; money; time takers; rule breakers and non goal oriented people.

It was a quick list and I'm sure I could think of a few dozen more things that push my buttons.  The truth is I think I have always had a fairly high stress level.  Even as a small child I wasn't care free.  I worried about grown up things such as people's health, jobs and money, why everyone couldn't get along.  I worried too much about making other people happy and how to help or "fix" those things I or someone else didn't perceive as perfect.  So it's really no surprise that when I look back at this list and break it down I can see many of the same themes that began in childhood. 

 

But to identify our stress indicators is just the beginning the harder part is to gain control over them.  I know I will never live a stress free life.  I'm sure that the most disciplined of all the human race still deal with stress their difference is they have studied it, figured out ways to identify it and actions to overcome it.  Our example was a very simplistic visual,  a bottle of red water and a bottle of green water.  Our self awareness is knowing when our emotions are in which bottle and knowing we are much more empowered when we are in the "green" and the real secret is the power is inside us to change.  A quick flashback to every Thanksgiving evening and the annual watching of the Wizard of Oz as Glinda the Good Witch told us, "You've always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself."   But as the inquisitive child (which has transformed to a intuitive adult), what I really wanted to do at that moment was jump up and scream "WAIT GLINDA... WHAT IS THE POWER? AND WHAT DO I DO WITH IT?"   

 

The real truth is when we  break down the events that cause our stress we have to face the reality that we only have control over ourselves.  We have NO control over the event or other peoples feelings or actions.  Those words are hard for me to even type so I will type them again:  "I have no CONTROL over the event or other peoples feelings or actions." That's easier said then done for a control freak and a fixer. If I review my long list of stress indicators above applying this knowledge what I truly identify is that I stress out when things don't go my way or the way I perceive as the correct way  and I let my own insecurities of the way others may negatively view me get in the way.  So, in hindsight other then working on my own insecurities it is all about things I will never have control over.  But how do I change?  Once I feel the shift from green to red what do I need to do? 

 

It starts with being aware or "being in the moment." Some people live their lives from the past while others are always waiting for tomorrow but ideally we need to realize that what is important is what is happening right now, right in front of us.  We can't change actions or situations that happened in the past nor can we use it as a crutch for blame.  At the same time we can't just sit and wait for the moment to pass hoping that the future holds something better.  Living in the "now" is common sense,  I mean I'm a smart girl... I know this, but then it gets clouded with things like: "learn from your past mistakes"; "set goals for the future"; "those were the good 'ole days."   All that head talk overwhelms my system and while my brain is trying to cognitively figure out a systematic approach there's my emotions heading over to the red zone. 

 

The good news, I think through age and self awareness I do have more control then I use too and I know the exercises I can do RIGHT NOW for self improvement.  First, BREATHE.  When we start to get upset our body actually works against us and changes preparing for the red zone, but by stopping taking a few deep breaths and concentrating on our breathing we become much more aware of our bodies at that moment, allowing our brains to catch up.  Second, on the list is exercise. You don't have to run a marathon or be at the gym 40 hours a week.  Sometime simply getting up and taking a walk helps you clear your mind and gets the mind and body working together.  I also know when I do exercise on a regular schedule it gives me time to think things through, I'm generally in a better mood, feel better and am happier and more alert.  The third tool is gratitude.  I try to keep a gratitude journal.  It's just a small book that I write down things that I'm grateful for that day and a few paragraphs about why I'm grateful.  I'm not disciplined enough to do it everyday and it's not a poetic masterpiece but I do find that when I am feeling at my personal worst if I take it out and write a few items down my mood changes.  Whenever I'm feeling blue or discouraged and want to blame someone in my own self pity I always remember  a quote my brother once said.  I don't know if it is his own wisdom or that from someone else but he said "Just remember your worst day may be someones best day."  That quote has stuck with me for years because it is so true. 

 

No one is excluded we ALL have worries, stress and struggles.  Our demons, monsters, dragons what ever we want to name our beast that little (but sometimes loud) voice in our mind telling us we can't succeed, we didn't give it our all; someone or something is out to get us; that their laughing and judging us.  That voice it's just our own head talk and we need replace the Wicked Witch with the words of Glinda because we do have the POWER and the HEART, and the BRAINS and the COURAGE to stay in the green zone.   So this week I give myself permission to reminisce about the past, to plan for my future but to be present in today and to silence the witch when she tries to discourage me or makes me judgmental of myself or others.  I will BREATH, RELAX be GRATEFUL and if I listen I will hear that voice saying, "Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness."